My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
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I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Goodnight 🐶
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Doug is just Canadian for dog
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Smells like a challenge to me
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald