Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s