[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
You Might Also Like
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit