my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
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Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.