[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
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But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator