It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.