If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
i really liked this one
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.