“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
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Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”