Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
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Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.