While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
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Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.