How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
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Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
HOW DARE YOU
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one