I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
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Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.