Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
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It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you