[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
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dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Actually cracking up @ this
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.