Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
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My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Donkey Kong sommelier
Bike is short for Bichael.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.