4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
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[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
blocked.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter