“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
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Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch