Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
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Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”