High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
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Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Air pods looking like an angry frog
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob