Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
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Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.