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911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him