I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
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Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.