At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
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Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
(Electricians.)
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them