The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
You Might Also Like
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I WON A HAM TODAY
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.