I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
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[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Smooooooth
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.