If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
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The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning