Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
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I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I feel it
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
*pokes sex life with a stick
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.