I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
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Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
haha same
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Meme Monday.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]