If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
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I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Someone just threatened to call me later
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Me recordaron éste meme
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room