First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
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This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.