My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
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Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.