Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.