Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
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Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
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BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS