Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
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The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.