(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
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You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.