My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
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Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.