Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.