Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
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Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
“i miss shittin on people”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades