I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
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Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
good let them take over I have had enough
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?