My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again