Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
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Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Received some very disappointing news today
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
#gardening
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft