One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
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[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
cats when you pet them too long:
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Thrilling chase underway
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!