Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
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I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml