Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.