TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
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Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
This pepper has seen some shit
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Just me?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.