[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
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I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club