And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
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Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I have never related to a cat more
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS