My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
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I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
And bowling should be called pinball
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?