A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
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Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.