I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
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Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.